what an expected title for that stupid “I haven’t been writing for ages blog”. whatever.
yes this is inspired by all these creative/imaginative/romantic/emotional/dreamy blog writers I have been hearing about : P I thought I would kick some life in this this old habit of mine…
you see I am bad with habits, I get sick of them, I like change too much, but I’ll give it ago.
some big news: New work at Lush and Virgin Megastores, I am basically riding the musical/smelly wave this summer, try and stop me suckers! damn I need a drink.
don’t know what’s up with me at the moment, and I mean moment as in the last few hours..bah.
so what has been on my mind. well lots future love/careers, relatives, the state of the world, you know the usual jadajada..i guess I get discouraged to write cos there is always a voice in my head telling me stuff like why would ppl want to read your stuff? whats so fucking original and interesting? are you going to say something new and fresh? change some1’s view/ inspire something ? hmmmmm…and usually the answer is ‘no’ and my fingers stop writing. I mean even now this whole “bad confidence” monologue is pretty lame and emo and I don’t even have sympathy for myself, what am I trying to achieve here? damn I need to stop analyzing myself…geeez!
I guess the most simple explanation is that I am desperately tryin to avoid revision/coursework even though the clock is ticking and 2 weeks will be over in a flash! :S why lucy why???? i swear I chose the wrong course, I have no motivation at all, but I am too stubborn to give up, it already ate 1 yr of my life! and I do get 1 yr abroad…ahh look at me bloody “always looking at the bright side of life” even I get sick of it sometimes..
ok Im just gonna blurt some stuff out now be prepared.
It seems like ever sinse I got to know a certain someone I have been on an emotional rollercoaster. I have been in love and happy and I have been depressed, pathetic, and red hot angry and irrational and anxious and any other feeling under the sun. The straining thing is that sometimes it is all within a few days. .
Every now and then I try and take a step back and look at it logically and objectively, even though we all know that is pretty much impossible. I mean one can’t really be expected to be able to step out of oneself and see things clearly. .
Anyways, I have tried to evaluate, whether it is worth it. Is it worth all the sleepless nights, hours of unproductiveness and countless lonely cigarettes? One also needs to define what “it” is, because its constantly changing, like English weather it can change several times within one day. But back to being objective: Why can I not let go? I mean I fool myself into thinking I have and then my mind keeps popping up all these thoughts that show me that I really am not…in a way they numb me and make it harder to enjoy life. As soon as I am not with him its like there is something missing that I wish gone but next to me at the same time.
The bittersweet truth is that I have let go in a way. Or rather I think university or life outside the bubble of a school hardens you when it comes to matters of love. You learn to be protective of yours, not fool urself with the romantic fantasies and the naivety of a teenager. I am 20 this year for gods sake. I learned to store this painful love away under lock and heavy furniture somewhere in a corner of my heart where the sun doesn’t shine..hoping that one day it will either evaporate into nothingness or be the seed of something beautiful and forever..except that experience shouts loud and clear that it is as possible as mermaids and unicorns..
It’s all well and done until you are faced with the person. Sure, sometimes it is truly all fun and games and you are emotionally detached and it works, on the surface and inside you. Then suddenly its like you stumble upon that old box in the attic, the one that is always in the corner of your eye but you learned to ignore..and you are violently thrown back into a stupid nostalgic mode, against all self-consideration, and instead of acceptance all you have is a head full of questions, why does it not work? why can’t things be simpler? why can someone that seems so wrong also seem so right? why does it seem like you are so right for each other but still so obviously not??
Sometimes I wish I could surgically remove that “thing” that “reason” that stops it from working, but then there is the bigger question: would the person still be the person they are? Is it maybe such an intrinzic part of them that it would be changing their essence? I don’t know. I really don’t know.
All this is so rediculously energy draining. I think the current situation is good enough (knowing myself as quite the human cameleont, adapting to any situation my life throws at me without much hesitation, there is simply no other way to see it for me) Fun times and the kind of closeness that a person like me is very unused to, the closeness not the fun hehe. If I can just detach myself enough to stop comparing myself to ppl and appriciate what I do have it would be perfectly fine. I have a good friend that cares about me, that I need and care about, and that I think needs me too. However many times I have planned to cut all contact, seems logical though right? To avoid any more pain? But it just seems less and less possible as times goes by : P I am a masochist in that way.
right enough overanalyzing for now. this topic has been so overanalyzed its silly. back to life.
(phew. it does feel a bit better now actually)
